“Conversational competence may be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.”
– Paul Barnwell, teacher and writer
A fellow blogger and good friend of mine once described good communication as “the act of furthering understanding between two people.” I think that’s true, which is why I find the increasing polarization of our society deeply concerning.
Today, people seem to live in echo chambers where they continually reinforce their own belief systems. The result: We are less likely to compromise and more likely to make decisions based on what we already believe–losing our ability to listen to and learn from one another.
If you’re serious about personal development, you must be committed to the free exchange of thoughts and ideas with others. In other words, you must learn the skill of good conversation.
Here are five “must have” skills shared by good conversationalists the world over:
1) Be present. According to public radio host Celeste Headlee, the average person can talk at a rate of approximately 225 words per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. Our minds tend to fill in the other 275 words (this is a huge struggle for me!) which is precisely why it takes energy and concentration to be attentive during a conversation. Remember, multi-tasking is a myth–you can only focus your attention on one thing at a time. Engaging in true conversation means giving the other person your undivided attention. It requires the same concentration and self discipline as training for a marathon or studying for an exam.
2) Listen more than you speak. It’s been said that the most interesting person in the world is the one who makes you think you’re the most interesting person in the world. That may sound like cheesy networking advice, but it’s true. The more you talk, the more you deprive yourself of learning and growing. As Stephen Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand…then be understood.” Becoming known as a good listener is one of the best ways to build your personal brand because you build rapport and trust with others very quickly.
3) Stop stealing stories. Resist the urge to interject your own stories and experiences. If someone shares their grief over losing a close friend, for example, don’t tell them about the time you lost a family member. You don’t know exactly how they feel, so don’t try to equate your experiences with theirs.
4) Ask questions that provoke a thoughtful response. Good questions are open-ended, asking who, what, why, and how verses questions that ask for a yes or no response. Listen to a skilled interviewer like Charlie Rose or Oprah Winfrey. Their questions help those they’re interviewing feel safe and understood, they are clear and relevant, and they continuously move the conversation forward.
5) Practice genuine curiosity. As Mary Schaller writes in The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations, “Curiosity is the bridge that moves you from listening to asking questions and fully engaging.” The word curiosity comes from the Latin word cura, which means “to care, to tend, and to heal.” Genuinely curious people possess a sincere and humble desire to know more about other people. They honestly believe that they can learn something from everyone.
Celeste Headley tells her audience that if you really want to share your opinions with no response or disagreement, then write a blog. But if you’re serious about engaging the world in the marketplace of ideas, commit to growing your capacity for good conversation.
Which of the five points about conversation challenges you the most? What is one habit you could develop to get better?